I was abandoned as a child
Content warning: moderate descriptions of childhood neglect, social care/care homes, childhood abandonment, mental/psychological abuse.
I could relate so much to the well-known TV series character of Tracy Beaker when I was younger because I was, just like her, let down and placed in a children’s care home, which was my imagination of a dumping ground.
I both hated and loved being there, though. I never searched for my parents because I knew them, and they were unfortunately the reason I was there.
But similar to Tracy, I had outbursts and meltdowns. I was an angry kid. I might have spoken a bit less because sometimes I just refused to speak, but I was angry, nevertheless.
I have somewhat forgiven my parents, but I will never forget. How many times they apologize doesn’t even matter. It’s hard to repair something that’s already in ten thousand pieces… It’s a bittersweet feeling to think about this because, on the one hand, my parents have realized they were wrong, and not everyone gets that they’re wrong, so I know I “should” be happy for that recognition. But on the other hand, I cannot forget what I remember so intensely. It’s the psychological thing with it all. Way more than the “actual”, more “obvious” mistreatment I went through.
Sometimes I’m also envious of my siblings because they didn’t get treated so wrongly as me. At the same time, I love them and am protective, so I don’t want them to be treated badly either! Everything is a mess in my head today.
But sometimes I think about what I have today. Things I won due to what I lost. I think the law of attraction is wrong and ableist, so I won’t throw that on you, but I know I’ve gained something from my life of pretty heavy experiences.
I have beautiful people who light up my life now, who I consider family more than my actual blood relatives. I have my partner and my friends, I have friends I consider sisters and brothers. And a boyfriend, I see more as family than most of the family I was born in. I wouldn’t have them if I didn’t lose something on the way. Or gain things that no child should gain.
I won’t ever be “thankful” for my trauma but I can recognize what I have now. Trauma can’t be forgotten, but it can be somewhat healed so you learn to live with it.
