Why am I sad? Because I shouldn't be here (according to some)
Content warning: Moderate description of depression and depressive symptoms like burnout and wanting to give up. Moderate description of ableism, fatphobia and sexism.
I feel sad. It feels like everyting I do is failing. I cannot work a job, I’m disabled, I’m trying to “pull myself up” and don’t give a fuck and just work hard and…
…burnout. According to some people I met, I shouldn’t be here. Because I don’t contribute financially to the society. Contrary to that, I actually live on benefits, which means… I’m taking from the society. I’m a parasite, according to some, as if I chose to be born. Or to be born this way.
It almost makes me anti-natalist when I hear these comments. Why should we have children, just to continue the cycle of suffering and working unhumanly hard to just stay alive?
“You’re a woman, so you should have children. You should want them…” Why? I’m not a machine to pop out babies, but sadly some say I have no real life purpose because of my childfree mindset (and my inability to conceive due to PCOS).
The challenge of getting the correct diagnosis and treatment for my chronic pain
Because I’m a woman I also have been fighting for health care for like a decade. I was diagnosed wrong more than once; with bipolar disorder in my adolescence and I took lithium (medication) for 5 years (!) and now have chronic side effects because of that. Because I was never bipolar… They didn’t removed the diagnosis until last year. I’m 33 now.
The second time it was with Rheumatoid Arthritis and I got injections with methotrexate for about 4 years! Now we don’t think that diagnosis is correct either. We’re fighting and fighting to get it right this time since we think it migt be EDS with a bi-diagnosis of POTS instead! And it’s plain dangerous to overlook and don’t diagnose correctly.
It’s always my weight they’re targeting. My body’s size is the problem, not the symptoms I’m seeking help for. I hate to go to the doctor, because of medical fatphobia, which is built into the system even… I feel worth so little when they are trained not to care. Because of my weight and because it’s not unheard of that women’s pain are not taken seriously within the health care system.
Is giving up the answer?
I have a lot of stories of how I was mistreated in society because I’m a disabled woman. I just feel like I want to give up. Yep, sucide. And don’t dare to tell me it’s my own fault! Because I’ve tried everything to get help for my health. And my trauma. And everything!
Politicians are getting paid more while being even more cruel to the general population. The human race feels doomed at this point. Especially poor and disabled people and other marginalized groups. We are more divided than ever.
Is it worth to live in this world any more?
If it wasn’t for some selected people in my life I would give up, actually. And that is not how it should be!
I want to look up and not down. But it’s hard…
New video up on disability and trauma within the politics:
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Trix